First Step Towards Freedom

I did it. I finally made that decision. I can hear Tom saying that I'm being vague. Well sometimes, vagueness has it's place. It fills up the empty silence and space when you haven't quite worked out the details. I have officially started on the road to becoming a financial consultant. There I said it! Ok, so I actually wrote it instead.

I've been wrestling with this decision for sometime now. I didn't do it to help Tom out. I did it for me. (See, this is why it's important to understand your role as a parent who lives for their child or a person who makes decisions and takes into consideration the impact it will have on the life of their child.) Maybe I think too much. But I digress and thinking does kill time and can be ever so entertaining. There are a lot of things that's involved in this business, socializing, professionalism, confidence, ability to make decisions but more importantly help other's make decisions, educating people, public speaking, teamwork, all the things that one needs to climb that ladder of success in the world of corporate America. I knew that when I really signed up, I would have no choice but to stand on ground that is unfamiliar, uncomfortable.

I got some news earlier this week which shook me up a little. I didn't make it a list I need to make. Suddenly my comfortable life (ok, it wasn't that comfortable to begin with) seemed even more shaky. I'm headed towards the proverbial rock and hard place, I'm just not quite there. So I made the decision that today is the day that I join Primerica. Yes, that's what I said. My son made me realize that life is really made up of moments. I spent last summer at home with him so I didn't miss those little fleeting moments that slip away only to fast. I can still remember the moments captured in every picture.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not quitting my day job or anything like that. I actually like my job. I do research all day and write for a living. What's not to like when you combine my two favorite past-times? Besides, I need the health benefit. But I just opened the door and set myself free. Today I start living for me. My sweat, blood, and tears will the mortar with which I will build the foundation of my future dreams. Freedom has cost me dearly, but I made it here. The hardest part was making that decision but once I made it, I felt free. Suddenly the possibilities seemed infinite. The word of God says, "I can do all things through Christ which strengthens me." I say, try and stop me.

This decision for me was a personal one. I never thought that someone like me would be able to do something like this. I'm not particularly rich so I always thought the information about financial planning wasn't available to someone like me. After all, I have debts, barely any savings, who would want to work with me? Through my struggle, God has shown me great mercy. The knowledge that I have gained through practical application, professional experience (yeah, did I mention I work in financial service industry, mainly dealing with government sponsored pensions?), and simple life experience gives me the right to stand up and say, you don't have to stay awake at night worrying about money. You may not have much, but let me show you how to be a better steward of what you have, let me help you pull yourself out of that black hole of despair you can't seem to crawl out of, let me give you hope, because I have been there.

So I guess this is the moment where I begin.....I think I am a woman with a very extraordinary son.....in all my 32 years, he has been my biggest and best inspiration and I've only known him less than a year!

CMC's 2nd Road Trip

We just got back from a short weekend away w/ CMC. Technically, it's his 2nd road trip. However, it might as well be his first. The last one was when his grandparents were over here visiting from the UK. We had a full car and the baby was mostly asleep for the two hours that we were on the road. This trip was supposed to be four and a half hours long. It seems that with a baby, you should add an extra hour for every two hours on the road. So with that factored in, along w/ the horrendous traffic we had driving through NYC and up towards New England via Connecticut, found us on the road for almost eight hours.

Eventually we settled into our hotel room while Tom went off to catch the tail of the "Winner's Dinner" he was supposed to attend that night (but had to give up his seats since we were running soooo very late) and I settled down to get my son settled in. It's not easy giving a ten month old a bath in a hotel bathroom in a plastic inflatable bathtub shaped like a rubber duck. Thus far this duck has managed to just make him scream. I figured that if I let him play w/ it and the bath toys maybe it won't be so traumatic. I was right and wrong. He cried but not so much.

So here I was thinking I finally got him settled down for the night when Tom comes back, all pumped up and bangs the door trying to get in. I had forgotten to take off the security latch. Bam! The baby is awake. Wide awake at 10 o'clock no less. So Daddy took him down to the bar where the rest of his associates were mingling after this dinner. I had myself a margaritas and it is glad I am that I did. As tired as I was, I slept right through the tossing and turning of father and son on the king size bed. I didn't want to stress out the baby even more by sticking him in the play yard in a strange room after the day he had. According to his father he kept waking up every two hours. My theory is that the baby kept waking up because he wasn't sure if he was still trapped in that car seat.

The next morning started off pretty well considering his disrupted routine so far. He ate his breakfast, attended Daddy's recognition meeting, tried to steal the microphone from Daddy when he was speaking on stage, just being his usual self. Eventually the crankiness appeared so I whisked him off to our room to get him to take a nap. My son didn't take a nap, he took a four hour long coma!
Eventually he woke up, I fed him, changed him, dressed him, and off we went to see Daddy again. We came back upstairs when his conference ended and the three of us spent the next few hours, hanging out in our room in our undies, just chilling. My son is pretty fun to hang out with considering he's only 10 months old.

He took a short nap (cut off because he needed to eat his dinner as did we). Again, it was well after 10 pm and little boy was still awake. Thank God I'm still breast feeding. Breast milk is truly magic. It's the one thing guaranteed to knock him out. But the stress of the weekend finally caught up to me and I ended up w/ a migraine at 3 in the morning. All I could think was I can't go to work like this tomorrow. I have to get home, I can't deal w/ another day like Friday. So after much throwing up, and Tom having to drive down to the gas station down the road for some much needed medication, I finally shut down and slept. By the time I woke up, father and son were packed up and ready to go. So we were finally on the road.

This time, we got on the road after the boy was fed and it was almost time for his morning nap. We got on the road and eventually he passed out. Yippie! So we kept driving down a nice open road for a good two and a half hour to three before the boy actually woke up. So we stopped, ate, fed the baby, relaxed for an hour and they continued on our journey. And this time, he was wide awake. I learned from the last trip to arm myself w/ snack (a lot of them), toys, water, and prayers. He did get bored but at least he worked his way through all this toys and blanket first. Then he had his snack. At this point in the journey we were in Brooklyn and that's when we heard the noise. Yup, the smell alerted us to the fact that our baby had pooped! And boy was it stinky! Without any rest stops, we had to drive home in the stinky car but thankfully, he didn't cry too much and actually fell asleep.

So we were home. Baby was changed and happy to see his cats. Though I can't say how happy they were to see him. And the road trip was over. We were finally home. I can't wait to do it again. Learned a lot during that trip. We take our cues from him and hope there's not traffic up ahead. It was a fun trip despite all the obstacles and hardships we encountered. Maybe that's the real lesson here. Life isn't easy. When things become difficult, you have to keep going ahead, just ploughing through.

I could have stayed home while Tom went onto this conference. Then I wouldn't have gotten pictures of me drinking margaritas w/ my son at the hotel bar at 11 pm at night or the fact that he learned how to control his tongue and kept sticking it out and making weird noises. Those few hours before dinner where the three of us just sat around doing nothing, chatting, laughing together, sitting around just in our undies. I would have missed the drive home. In the end, as stressful as the weekend was, I wouldn't have missed it for the world. And so ends the tale of CMC's 2nd road trip.

The Miracle of Life

Frankly, I'm not impressed with the way 2010 began so far. It's repeating 2009 and I find that rather stupid. Watching my son trying to work out whether or not he likes cheerios has been one of the highlights of 2010 so far. My mother told me this morning that one of my cousins back home had a miscarriage. This would have been her second child. My other cousin here had a similar tragedy. His wife learned that their second baby may have died at 27 weeks.

I finally got the chance to go around and see them yesterday. Her stomach was there, obviously, as was the thought in my head that so was dead body. Scary thought, carrying around a dead child inside you. I was planning her baby shower. We had the decorations, themes, foods, games, all worked out. Hadn't gotten around to making the purchases since it would have been two months from now. I did however send out email invitation to over a hundred some odd people. Now I have to uninvite them. What am I supposed to say, "sorry, the party is cancelled because the baby is dead?"

I'm not trying to make light of the situation but what else can you do? If you don't laugh, you won't be able to stop crying. Now I'm trying not to think about how my cousin is going to have to be induced and all the complications that can take place. I don't want to think of the worst case scenario. But I don't want to cry either.

As I watch my son, who's either trying to pull off his bib (it's one of those that goes over his head rather than around his neck) or strangle himself with it, I laugh. He makes me laugh. My god-daughter makes me laugh. Her mother and father makes me laugh. I am not going to cry because if God is who he says he is and his word is true, then I will be laughing by the end of the next week. For right now, I'm going to go out and do some groceries.

I'm just waiting for the next time the four of us will get together and watch my son do the tumble weed across the floor while my god-daughter gives us her evil chuckle before going off to play again. We got two miracles of life, and I know there will be another once this is all over. On that note, I'm leaving before my car freezes again.

The Mummy Club

I got an email from a friend the other day which felt as if someone had lit a match in the darkness, shedding a little bit of light if only for a moment. I was looking at photos another friend has posted to her Facebook of her two girls. I'm not someone who has made a practice of collecting friends so I could probably count on one hand how many I have. It's nice to know that I am right about the women that I have chose to share my life with, those that I call my friends are worth of that honour and title.

The last few months haven't been easy and I have a feeling it will get worse before it gets better. So I'm pretty much praying my way through to my next step, taking each day at a time. It's nice to know that as I navigate this world of dirty nappies, spits ups, teething, strapped finances, I'm not alone. I've gained new respect for my fellow mothers in the Mummy Club. But at the same time, I'm petrified, too petrified to even run scared.

From me, to we, to us

 

My plan was simple. Upload all my pictures and place my orders online before midnight. I got greedy, my internet connection got slow and I missed the midnight deadline to use my coupon. So I have ditched that idea. Instead I decided to edit my photos from last night and upload them to Facebook. All this came about because my other half got an email saying the US Census is looking for mixed race families. And we realized that outside of the picture that the hospital staff took of the three of us the day my son was born, there aren't any pictures of us.

So we hurried off my parents, who happily took pictures of us. We have quite a few to work with now. Then when I looked at the pictures, I felt something close that I can only describe as wonder and shock. We have countless pictures of us, my husband and me. We look great together. Now here is our little boy, a slice of our DNA, a real person, a real little boy, who exists because we do.

I had intended to post for the New Year but somehow the days slipped past me and then I got sick (probably picked something up from some relative or friend over the holidays) and it just never happened. But this year, 2010 is a brand new one for us. Yes, we became parents in 2009 but this is our first year starting out as a family, as parents, as a threesome instead of the usual twosome. It's been 9 amazing years and frankly my scalp is itching from anticipation of what lies ahead.

So, shall we plunge on ahead into this year and find out?

A confession

I must make a confession. Right now we are pretty much living off my paycheck and it's not really the easiest place to be. Money is very tight and I'm still struggling to manage it better. We found a system that works for us, neither one of us exclusively deals with the money; we sit down and do it together. It seems to work better for us. So I'm not particularly happy that my husband got pulled over on his way to pick me up and written up for something very stupid. He's going to contest it of course but that's besides the point. Right now, we can't really afford to pay a traffic violation. Then tax season is coming up and I'll probably end up paying taxes. I'm in a very stupid place where our annual household income is just high enough to pay all our bills but not low enough to get any benefits to help with the everyday living expenses.

I suppose it could have been worse. We could have outstanding bills at the end of the month but we don't. This is not the place I had wanted to be, ever. But I don't think anyone ever wakes up and say, "hm..I think I want to be broke." So being as strapped for cash as we are, has made Christmas a very interesting time. I couldn't really afford to buy my son or husband any presents and I knew it. Which pretty much guaranteed that it would be a miserable Christmas. I really was not going to do Christmas this year at all.

But life is hardly anything if not surprising. Someone I know once asked why I feel the need to give credit to God. I'm not really sure why I wouldn't. Faith has been a fundamental part of my upbringing until it has evolved into something bigger than me or my petty ambitions. But I jump ahead of myself. I can't say this has been a good day or even an easy year to bear. But we are bearing it.

One of my co-workers brought in some Christmas presents for my son today. When I got home, I opened it to discover a toy, clothes, and a sippy cup. Useful items, all of them. But what stood out to me was that the toys I had wanted to get my son and would have purchased them myself if I had the money were the toys that he received. Granted I did make a list for friends and family to use as a guideline but some bought things that wasn't even on the list. Should I label that as a Christmas miracle and hand out the crackers with it?

It's a realization that I can't do a damn thing about the ticket but to leave it in God's hand and let him work out the details. Trust that God will provide us with the means to pay our taxes this year and even pay off the two big loans we are paying. I can't worry about the bills or how I'll feed all of us. I just have to make do. It's funny how I do have a pretty good job and make decent money but we are so damn poor. Sometimes, I just feel like screaming at God "WTF, what did I do?" But I read the book of Job and I'm not treading that path.

So for now, I'm asking God for patience and wisdom. I sure do need plenty of that. Money being as tight as it has been has made me realize certain things about me, my life, and my goals. People have been asking me how motherhood is treating me, or how's motherhood...well I have an answer at last. Motherhood has grown on me simply because I'm absolutely in love with my little boy. I always will. Of all the boys I've known and loved, he's the best and always will be. It has made me grow and mature and realize that I have depths which until now had been untapped.

I'm not going to suddenly start living my life for my son nor am I going to selfishly move through life and expect my son to fit into my life. I'm going to continue dreaming my dreams for my life. While I'm working towards my solitary ambitions, I'm going to live this life I have, love every second of it, and laugh like hell at how ridiculous it can be. God has allowed me to come to this crossroad for a reason. I'm going to explore that reason and try to understand what God is speaking into my life.

Now it's ten and I can barely keep my eyes open so I'll have to leave off telling you about my Christmas until tomorrow. I'm off to bed.

The halfway point.

I can't even call it one of those days. It's been over three months since my last post, so for those of you that actually read this, my apologies. I've finally reached that six month point and I'm happy to report that my son seems to have disproved the "boys are lazier than girls" rule. He seems to be impatient to do things, like move on his own. I'm not sure if that's something that I should be worried about yet.

I was so pleased when my husband called me earlier today to tell me that he discovered our son on his stomach, pushing his upper body upright with his little arms. When my husband saw him, our son seem to promptly turn himself onto his back. He does it effortlessly now. Go son! He also tries to pull himself up but he hasn't quite worked out how to sit up on his own. But that's okay. As my co-worker said, when they do the smallest things (like sit up on their own without support when you sit them up) you think they are the next Einstein.

He's doing a lot of things these days, which makes him a lot more interesting than he was a few months ago. I'm not too sure how I'm doing. My weekends seems to be time to catch up on desperately needed sleep. Failing in that, the work week just turns into a living nightmare. This morning I slept right through my alarm clock, didn't have time to properly feed my son (since he decided he'd rather play than eat) or fix my hair. I'm not even sure how I got to work but I'm getting very good at doing my hair on the go.

I have a lot of respect for women who do this. I am a working mum but I also have the luxury of a spouse who is a full time dad. This makes my experience rather unusual. I now know how working fathers feel and why it's so easy for them to let the mothers take the lead in raising their children. I also understand how tough it is for working mothers to leave behind their little ones and dive into the work day, trying to concentrate on your work when your mind replays the last smile, last laugh or giggle or silly thing you saw. It's not easy sitting on this fence and I'm still learning as I go.

I'm fast coming to the conclusion that waiting for my 30s to have a child was the right choice for me. I don't think I would have seen the world as I do or cope with my situation as I have if I were on the other side of 30. On the way home today, I saw a young teenage boy get arrested for a very stupid decision that took an instant to make. I never wondered before what his mother would feel when she learned of his day. Suddenly I felt anger on this mysterious woman's behalf as well as frustration at the situation she will undoubtedly face.

On that note, I'm going to get something to eat while I still can. (also, I just started watching Better of Ted and can't really concentrate enough to continue to write.)