A confession

I must make a confession. Right now we are pretty much living off my paycheck and it's not really the easiest place to be. Money is very tight and I'm still struggling to manage it better. We found a system that works for us, neither one of us exclusively deals with the money; we sit down and do it together. It seems to work better for us. So I'm not particularly happy that my husband got pulled over on his way to pick me up and written up for something very stupid. He's going to contest it of course but that's besides the point. Right now, we can't really afford to pay a traffic violation. Then tax season is coming up and I'll probably end up paying taxes. I'm in a very stupid place where our annual household income is just high enough to pay all our bills but not low enough to get any benefits to help with the everyday living expenses.

I suppose it could have been worse. We could have outstanding bills at the end of the month but we don't. This is not the place I had wanted to be, ever. But I don't think anyone ever wakes up and say, "hm..I think I want to be broke." So being as strapped for cash as we are, has made Christmas a very interesting time. I couldn't really afford to buy my son or husband any presents and I knew it. Which pretty much guaranteed that it would be a miserable Christmas. I really was not going to do Christmas this year at all.

But life is hardly anything if not surprising. Someone I know once asked why I feel the need to give credit to God. I'm not really sure why I wouldn't. Faith has been a fundamental part of my upbringing until it has evolved into something bigger than me or my petty ambitions. But I jump ahead of myself. I can't say this has been a good day or even an easy year to bear. But we are bearing it.

One of my co-workers brought in some Christmas presents for my son today. When I got home, I opened it to discover a toy, clothes, and a sippy cup. Useful items, all of them. But what stood out to me was that the toys I had wanted to get my son and would have purchased them myself if I had the money were the toys that he received. Granted I did make a list for friends and family to use as a guideline but some bought things that wasn't even on the list. Should I label that as a Christmas miracle and hand out the crackers with it?

It's a realization that I can't do a damn thing about the ticket but to leave it in God's hand and let him work out the details. Trust that God will provide us with the means to pay our taxes this year and even pay off the two big loans we are paying. I can't worry about the bills or how I'll feed all of us. I just have to make do. It's funny how I do have a pretty good job and make decent money but we are so damn poor. Sometimes, I just feel like screaming at God "WTF, what did I do?" But I read the book of Job and I'm not treading that path.

So for now, I'm asking God for patience and wisdom. I sure do need plenty of that. Money being as tight as it has been has made me realize certain things about me, my life, and my goals. People have been asking me how motherhood is treating me, or how's motherhood...well I have an answer at last. Motherhood has grown on me simply because I'm absolutely in love with my little boy. I always will. Of all the boys I've known and loved, he's the best and always will be. It has made me grow and mature and realize that I have depths which until now had been untapped.

I'm not going to suddenly start living my life for my son nor am I going to selfishly move through life and expect my son to fit into my life. I'm going to continue dreaming my dreams for my life. While I'm working towards my solitary ambitions, I'm going to live this life I have, love every second of it, and laugh like hell at how ridiculous it can be. God has allowed me to come to this crossroad for a reason. I'm going to explore that reason and try to understand what God is speaking into my life.

Now it's ten and I can barely keep my eyes open so I'll have to leave off telling you about my Christmas until tomorrow. I'm off to bed.

The halfway point.

I can't even call it one of those days. It's been over three months since my last post, so for those of you that actually read this, my apologies. I've finally reached that six month point and I'm happy to report that my son seems to have disproved the "boys are lazier than girls" rule. He seems to be impatient to do things, like move on his own. I'm not sure if that's something that I should be worried about yet.

I was so pleased when my husband called me earlier today to tell me that he discovered our son on his stomach, pushing his upper body upright with his little arms. When my husband saw him, our son seem to promptly turn himself onto his back. He does it effortlessly now. Go son! He also tries to pull himself up but he hasn't quite worked out how to sit up on his own. But that's okay. As my co-worker said, when they do the smallest things (like sit up on their own without support when you sit them up) you think they are the next Einstein.

He's doing a lot of things these days, which makes him a lot more interesting than he was a few months ago. I'm not too sure how I'm doing. My weekends seems to be time to catch up on desperately needed sleep. Failing in that, the work week just turns into a living nightmare. This morning I slept right through my alarm clock, didn't have time to properly feed my son (since he decided he'd rather play than eat) or fix my hair. I'm not even sure how I got to work but I'm getting very good at doing my hair on the go.

I have a lot of respect for women who do this. I am a working mum but I also have the luxury of a spouse who is a full time dad. This makes my experience rather unusual. I now know how working fathers feel and why it's so easy for them to let the mothers take the lead in raising their children. I also understand how tough it is for working mothers to leave behind their little ones and dive into the work day, trying to concentrate on your work when your mind replays the last smile, last laugh or giggle or silly thing you saw. It's not easy sitting on this fence and I'm still learning as I go.

I'm fast coming to the conclusion that waiting for my 30s to have a child was the right choice for me. I don't think I would have seen the world as I do or cope with my situation as I have if I were on the other side of 30. On the way home today, I saw a young teenage boy get arrested for a very stupid decision that took an instant to make. I never wondered before what his mother would feel when she learned of his day. Suddenly I felt anger on this mysterious woman's behalf as well as frustration at the situation she will undoubtedly face.

On that note, I'm going to get something to eat while I still can. (also, I just started watching Better of Ted and can't really concentrate enough to continue to write.)