A confession

I must make a confession. Right now we are pretty much living off my paycheck and it's not really the easiest place to be. Money is very tight and I'm still struggling to manage it better. We found a system that works for us, neither one of us exclusively deals with the money; we sit down and do it together. It seems to work better for us. So I'm not particularly happy that my husband got pulled over on his way to pick me up and written up for something very stupid. He's going to contest it of course but that's besides the point. Right now, we can't really afford to pay a traffic violation. Then tax season is coming up and I'll probably end up paying taxes. I'm in a very stupid place where our annual household income is just high enough to pay all our bills but not low enough to get any benefits to help with the everyday living expenses.

I suppose it could have been worse. We could have outstanding bills at the end of the month but we don't. This is not the place I had wanted to be, ever. But I don't think anyone ever wakes up and say, "hm..I think I want to be broke." So being as strapped for cash as we are, has made Christmas a very interesting time. I couldn't really afford to buy my son or husband any presents and I knew it. Which pretty much guaranteed that it would be a miserable Christmas. I really was not going to do Christmas this year at all.

But life is hardly anything if not surprising. Someone I know once asked why I feel the need to give credit to God. I'm not really sure why I wouldn't. Faith has been a fundamental part of my upbringing until it has evolved into something bigger than me or my petty ambitions. But I jump ahead of myself. I can't say this has been a good day or even an easy year to bear. But we are bearing it.

One of my co-workers brought in some Christmas presents for my son today. When I got home, I opened it to discover a toy, clothes, and a sippy cup. Useful items, all of them. But what stood out to me was that the toys I had wanted to get my son and would have purchased them myself if I had the money were the toys that he received. Granted I did make a list for friends and family to use as a guideline but some bought things that wasn't even on the list. Should I label that as a Christmas miracle and hand out the crackers with it?

It's a realization that I can't do a damn thing about the ticket but to leave it in God's hand and let him work out the details. Trust that God will provide us with the means to pay our taxes this year and even pay off the two big loans we are paying. I can't worry about the bills or how I'll feed all of us. I just have to make do. It's funny how I do have a pretty good job and make decent money but we are so damn poor. Sometimes, I just feel like screaming at God "WTF, what did I do?" But I read the book of Job and I'm not treading that path.

So for now, I'm asking God for patience and wisdom. I sure do need plenty of that. Money being as tight as it has been has made me realize certain things about me, my life, and my goals. People have been asking me how motherhood is treating me, or how's motherhood...well I have an answer at last. Motherhood has grown on me simply because I'm absolutely in love with my little boy. I always will. Of all the boys I've known and loved, he's the best and always will be. It has made me grow and mature and realize that I have depths which until now had been untapped.

I'm not going to suddenly start living my life for my son nor am I going to selfishly move through life and expect my son to fit into my life. I'm going to continue dreaming my dreams for my life. While I'm working towards my solitary ambitions, I'm going to live this life I have, love every second of it, and laugh like hell at how ridiculous it can be. God has allowed me to come to this crossroad for a reason. I'm going to explore that reason and try to understand what God is speaking into my life.

Now it's ten and I can barely keep my eyes open so I'll have to leave off telling you about my Christmas until tomorrow. I'm off to bed.