A confession

I must make a confession. Right now we are pretty much living off my paycheck and it's not really the easiest place to be. Money is very tight and I'm still struggling to manage it better. We found a system that works for us, neither one of us exclusively deals with the money; we sit down and do it together. It seems to work better for us. So I'm not particularly happy that my husband got pulled over on his way to pick me up and written up for something very stupid. He's going to contest it of course but that's besides the point. Right now, we can't really afford to pay a traffic violation. Then tax season is coming up and I'll probably end up paying taxes. I'm in a very stupid place where our annual household income is just high enough to pay all our bills but not low enough to get any benefits to help with the everyday living expenses.

I suppose it could have been worse. We could have outstanding bills at the end of the month but we don't. This is not the place I had wanted to be, ever. But I don't think anyone ever wakes up and say, "hm..I think I want to be broke." So being as strapped for cash as we are, has made Christmas a very interesting time. I couldn't really afford to buy my son or husband any presents and I knew it. Which pretty much guaranteed that it would be a miserable Christmas. I really was not going to do Christmas this year at all.

But life is hardly anything if not surprising. Someone I know once asked why I feel the need to give credit to God. I'm not really sure why I wouldn't. Faith has been a fundamental part of my upbringing until it has evolved into something bigger than me or my petty ambitions. But I jump ahead of myself. I can't say this has been a good day or even an easy year to bear. But we are bearing it.

One of my co-workers brought in some Christmas presents for my son today. When I got home, I opened it to discover a toy, clothes, and a sippy cup. Useful items, all of them. But what stood out to me was that the toys I had wanted to get my son and would have purchased them myself if I had the money were the toys that he received. Granted I did make a list for friends and family to use as a guideline but some bought things that wasn't even on the list. Should I label that as a Christmas miracle and hand out the crackers with it?

It's a realization that I can't do a damn thing about the ticket but to leave it in God's hand and let him work out the details. Trust that God will provide us with the means to pay our taxes this year and even pay off the two big loans we are paying. I can't worry about the bills or how I'll feed all of us. I just have to make do. It's funny how I do have a pretty good job and make decent money but we are so damn poor. Sometimes, I just feel like screaming at God "WTF, what did I do?" But I read the book of Job and I'm not treading that path.

So for now, I'm asking God for patience and wisdom. I sure do need plenty of that. Money being as tight as it has been has made me realize certain things about me, my life, and my goals. People have been asking me how motherhood is treating me, or how's motherhood...well I have an answer at last. Motherhood has grown on me simply because I'm absolutely in love with my little boy. I always will. Of all the boys I've known and loved, he's the best and always will be. It has made me grow and mature and realize that I have depths which until now had been untapped.

I'm not going to suddenly start living my life for my son nor am I going to selfishly move through life and expect my son to fit into my life. I'm going to continue dreaming my dreams for my life. While I'm working towards my solitary ambitions, I'm going to live this life I have, love every second of it, and laugh like hell at how ridiculous it can be. God has allowed me to come to this crossroad for a reason. I'm going to explore that reason and try to understand what God is speaking into my life.

Now it's ten and I can barely keep my eyes open so I'll have to leave off telling you about my Christmas until tomorrow. I'm off to bed.

The halfway point.

I can't even call it one of those days. It's been over three months since my last post, so for those of you that actually read this, my apologies. I've finally reached that six month point and I'm happy to report that my son seems to have disproved the "boys are lazier than girls" rule. He seems to be impatient to do things, like move on his own. I'm not sure if that's something that I should be worried about yet.

I was so pleased when my husband called me earlier today to tell me that he discovered our son on his stomach, pushing his upper body upright with his little arms. When my husband saw him, our son seem to promptly turn himself onto his back. He does it effortlessly now. Go son! He also tries to pull himself up but he hasn't quite worked out how to sit up on his own. But that's okay. As my co-worker said, when they do the smallest things (like sit up on their own without support when you sit them up) you think they are the next Einstein.

He's doing a lot of things these days, which makes him a lot more interesting than he was a few months ago. I'm not too sure how I'm doing. My weekends seems to be time to catch up on desperately needed sleep. Failing in that, the work week just turns into a living nightmare. This morning I slept right through my alarm clock, didn't have time to properly feed my son (since he decided he'd rather play than eat) or fix my hair. I'm not even sure how I got to work but I'm getting very good at doing my hair on the go.

I have a lot of respect for women who do this. I am a working mum but I also have the luxury of a spouse who is a full time dad. This makes my experience rather unusual. I now know how working fathers feel and why it's so easy for them to let the mothers take the lead in raising their children. I also understand how tough it is for working mothers to leave behind their little ones and dive into the work day, trying to concentrate on your work when your mind replays the last smile, last laugh or giggle or silly thing you saw. It's not easy sitting on this fence and I'm still learning as I go.

I'm fast coming to the conclusion that waiting for my 30s to have a child was the right choice for me. I don't think I would have seen the world as I do or cope with my situation as I have if I were on the other side of 30. On the way home today, I saw a young teenage boy get arrested for a very stupid decision that took an instant to make. I never wondered before what his mother would feel when she learned of his day. Suddenly I felt anger on this mysterious woman's behalf as well as frustration at the situation she will undoubtedly face.

On that note, I'm going to get something to eat while I still can. (also, I just started watching Better of Ted and can't really concentrate enough to continue to write.)

Finding my rhythm

I can't believe it's been three weeks since I returned to work. Time really does fly. Sometimes it feels as if the days are blurring together and I can't distinguish one from the other. Before I know it, Friday is here and then before I can turn around or pause it's Monday again. I think I've finally fallen into a rhythm of some sort. I'm not sure whether it'll last or not.

My days start with feeding my son and end the same way. In between I work and pretend my life is still as it used to be. But it's not the same and my normal is very different from what it used to be. I can no longer meet up for drinks or dinner afterwards nor can I go home, unwind and decide to go to dinner at night. I'm on the clock when I go to work and when I come home. I thought when I took off my watch years ago that I beat that whole time restriction thing.

I get home after five and I have a 3 hour window to feed, clean, and then put my son to bed. Somedays it's nice others it can be a nightmare. But I'm slowly getting the hang of it, I think. Rough as today was, simply because I'm so tired, it was actually rather nice. I got to spend a little time w/ my son before he went to sleep. I even got to go out to dinner afterwards. Now I get to kill a few more minutes until he wakes up for his night time feed and then off to bed to start all over again.

Today I'm thinking it's not so bad. Tomorrow I may change my mind.

Just call me BESSIE

 

Today is the first time since I began this blog I've had time or energy to write. But then today was weird enough for me to attempt to make note of the events despite my fatigue. You can't imagine how tired I am unless you've already walked a few miles in the shoes of the working mom.

Yesterday my son threw off his old rhythm. I would wake him for his midnight feed but for the last two nights, he has woken himself up an hour to two hours before that to feed. So this morning he woke himself up at five in the morning. Unpleasant, considering I wanted to sleep in. It has gotten to the point where his father and I are really struggling to keep from collapsing with exhaustion. (Thankfully Labor Day weekend is coming up and we can get some much needed rest or try to at least).

So in our tired state of mind something was bound to get missed. It did. Today I went to work w/ my little handy Avent hand pump. My husband assembled my kit for me for the past few days. Neither one of us noticed that the little white valve which actually makes the darn thing work was missing. So there I am, trying to pump my milk and my pump just isn't working. What the hell? Sure enough I look and that little piece is missing. My theory is the cats stole it.

It's really amazing how your body changes. Months ago, if I did what I did today, I would have been in a lot of pain. I literally, squeeze the milk out of my breast. I had no choice since to leave them be would only result in my being painfully engorged. Picture me bent over the little couch, squeezing my breast into a little bottle, like I was milking a cow. I've never milked a cow but I think I understand the theory behind the mechanics now.

One hurdle at a time. At least when I got home and we tried out his booster seat, he sat up in it. As tiring and exhausting this new lifestyle is, I have to say, I'm liking it. The adjusting may take some more time. Now I'm really off to bed. I can barely keep my eyes open as I am typing this.

Going back to life as usual

Except it wasn't really life as usual.

The people hadn't really changed. The faces were the same. But I was different.

Ten weeks ago, I had finished work on a Friday as usual. My co-workers had thrown me a baby shower and showered my baby with a ton of well wishes and gifts. So laden with gifts and balloons I went home that Friday. Little did I know my contractions had started during lunch. My water broke Saturday morning and early Sunday morning my son was born. So my maternity started on Monday, two weeks ahead of schedule.

Now ten weeks later, I'm back. My plants had all died since I didn't have the time to arrange for a caretaker. A lot of people were surprised to see me back at work so soon. What can I say, this country is not very friendly to the working mothers. Not getting paid maternity leave makes it very difficult. Despite that, God is good and the summer came and went with a new baby without too much incident. And ten weeks later, I was back at my desk, trying to adapt to my old routine.

It was really nice to be back at work. The realization that my time off was over was disheartening to be sure but then it occurred to me that at the end of the day I get to come home to my son. The glass is what it was, I had the choice to look at it as half empty of full and I chose to view it as half full. I'm not really an optimist so for me this was a first.

I must say, the one person who made the return smooth was my HR Director. She gave me a place where I can privately pump. Yes, I'm breast feeding. I am a firm believer in the benefits of breast feeding and it is a choice I've made for my son. So to be able to continue to do this was a blessing. I'm glad that in the state of New York breastfeeding moms like me does receive support to a degree and our rights are defended by legislations.

That was two weeks ago. It was a rough start returning to work but I've been blessed with a spouse who saw the opportunity to raise our son and be a stay-at-home dad and took it. There is nothing that can replace the peace of mind that comes from knowing your child is being cared for by someone who loves him as much as you.

This new role in my life has given me perspective and this is my way of processing all this. So bare with me. It's not hubris on my part or the need for validation from an unknown reader that I do this. I'm doing this for those friends of mine, near and far who have shared this experience with me and those who have yet to walk this path. Maybe my adventure will inspire some, shed some light for others. Whatever the result, I hope, my dear readers, that you will find this worth reading.